lately

so here is a list of the things that have kept me from blogging lately.

  - first a dog ate my phone. well ate my case attempted to eat my phone and somewhat succeeded.
  - best friend came to town
  - dr appointments. for her and for me :( i was literally out of commission for over a week
  - CONSTRUCTIONNNN. they are building next door to us and the cut our internet off by mistake for about 5 days. miserable right???
  -start of a new semester/internship/schedule=hectic by itself
  -lack of inspiration. sorry guys its true. i kinda have been busy dealing with other things and lost my voice. surprising to me as well.

enough about that. ive found my next topic to "catch everyone up on" our stay in the NICU. for those of you who dont know, that is the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.

it was not my intention in the preggo post to go into the details of how difficult my pregnancy was. honestly other than my parents, im not sure how many people in my life know what we went through.  early on i was very private because it was extremely stressful for me emotionally. it was hard for me to answer questions on the subject so in an attempt to minimize the drama in our lives we kept very quiet.

after she was born and we went to the NICU i tried to also remain very private about our struggle. i was trying desperately to remain strong and keep my focus on her and be at my best if at all possible. i realized then that it was harder for me to avoid it and keep it to myself than it would be to just answer the questions and move on.

very early in my pregnancy, i began to have biweekly biophysical profiles on the baby followed shortly after by an amniocentesis. our biweekly 'checkups' continued throughout my pregnancy. Considering i was a newlywed, fulltime student at a new college, this caused a very busy schedule and high stress :(
obviously everything turned out great! but when you are in a situation its hard to see the best way to handle it or focus on how great it will probably end up being.

annnyway. after my section, we spent 4 days in the hospital. we went home on a friday. Saturday afternoon we were laying in bed watching tv. she was snoozing and her sassy fell out of her mouth. i looked down to pick it up and she was blue.

literally almost navy blue in my arms.

of course i immediately jumped out of the bed and began patting and CPR. i yelled out partially out of fear, partially out of pain and for help. i wouldnt change it but i didnt think before i jumped. it felt like i ripped my incision open. i was about to fall over. michael took her and continued what i started. i watched her open her eyes and pink up. but she just stared at us. it was like time stopped. she just stared. she never gasped she never cried. she just had her eyes wide open staring at us.

we ran out of my parents house and got in the car. my parents were in the yard i just yelled as loud as i could. they ran to us and i just remember crying she stopped breathing we are going to the emergency room please come. of course they did.

we walked in the emergency room and i had to be put in a wheel chair and the nurse took her i was crying scared to death and in excruciating pain.

**side note: we received excellent care at the baptist! we really did. however in the ER there was a nurse who brought the xray machine into our little area. laid elizabeth ann down on a grown persons bed and let go and moved away to put the heavy body cover thing on. she almost slid off the bed. i had a heart attack. i almost jumped out to grab her luckily the nurse got her. i yelled at her. once i settled down she said, 

you sure are protective to be such a young mother. how old are you?

i just about lost it. i said im 22 how old are you that you dont know to not walk away from a baby on the bed. she proceeded to tell me how much younger i look than i actually am. basically to be sorry for her mistake. didnt help her case.

anyway

we were admitted to the NICU late that night. my mom went home and packed stuff for us and our stay began. let me just say if it wasnt for our friends and family we would have starved and been wearing the same clothes for a week. my mother in law came every day and my mom came every night to help. we are so blessed.

my parents packed some stuff for us because we stayed with her nonstop. we stayed in a room about 15 feet by 5 feet. there were two chairs that folded out into twin beds, a rocking chair and then her equipment.  it had a bathroom about the size of an average closet with a stand up shower toilet and sink. our sweet little 5 pound baby girl was constantly hooked up to several monitors. for a week i had to hold her right next to her bed, cords and all. 

of course i was trying to breastfeed. she would latch and suck 20 minutes on each side she did so good to be so small. however she kept getting smaller and she cried relentlessly. and i couldnt see that she was hungry, which is ironic because i was trying so hard to stay on top of things for her.

this is her first bath other than the immediate one after delivery. that is my arm next to her body if that helps you scale how little our precious girl was.

**side note: this is where i felt majorly guilty about not having the instant bond. i was so emotionally warped after just giving birth i couldnt see what was right in front of me. after weighing her and seeing how much weight she was losing and pumping to see that i was only producing about an ounce a day. i felt inconsolably guilty and ashamed. 

i will post another time in depth about this and how to deal.

back to the irony, i was having a really difficult time keeping my cool. we continued to write down everything like we did when we first were at the hospital. every time she fed and i pumped (every 2 hours 24 hours a day) every time doctors did their rounds, every result of every test. meaning we got barely any sleep. the little we did get was because my mom was there awake while we slept. yes all three of us in there with her. it was pretty overwhelming. like i said if not for family and friends we would have starved. we literally never left the room. people brought us lunch and dinner. 

I ended up gaining weight. the 4 liters of fluid they gave me for my section, never came off (probably due to stress). my legs were so full of fluid i couldnt walk. i had to wheel over to my obgyn so that they could look at my legs. I ended up having to be given something to help my body release the fluid and we discovered my incision was infected.

it was only a skin infection but i feel pretty certain that it was a direct result of being in a 15x5 foot room and taking 5 minute showers and not being able to rest the way i should have after that major surgery. 

so again, in an attempt to stay on my "A-game" i ended up making the situation harder for myself.  mothers, we have to take care of ourselves first! i ended up having to stop taking care of her so i could get taken care of which was much worse than just taking care of myself in the first place. 

luckily my dr was in the same building, so i was only a few halls away and only for an hour but it was the longest hour of my life.

back to elizabeth ann, the doctors did chest xrays, head ultrasound, heart echos, blood work, and 7 days of strict and constant observation. the only thing that came of it was a case of infant apnea and the discussion of SIDS and how lucky we were that she was in my arms.

this isnt how we were when she turned blue this is just how she liked to snuggle.

hearing that your child was almost a victim of SIDS. top 5 scariest sentences ive ever heard. but he was right we were so so lucky. he sent us home with a heart monitor that she was on until the end of july. Thankfully we never had to go back to the hospital with any more apnea spells further showing the great likelyhood of her being an almost victim of SIDS.

i want to try to describe the fear that i felt and still feel. its not the textbook definition of im afraid for my childs life.  its more a fear of life happening to your child. for me, it has become a constant battle. i felt on edge and at peoples throats. i think its more anxiety. but its not anything like what people describe to try to "prepare you" 

i want her to have the best always not really the best material wise. just the best care. im fearful that if she doesnt have the best, it could result in a problem. 

ill work on my description and get back to you


here are a few pictures of that first week we were in the NICU please ignore me in these pictures

here she is!

she really hated that bath!

the rocking chair. to MY left were the cords and her bed and monitors

she was so little! we got done to 4.8. but she was 19 inches long which makes 4.8 seem much smaller
she was wearing preemie clothes in both the above pictures

this is the lamb that we take her monthly pictures with! she used it as a blanket! miss my tiny baby girl

thanks for continuing to come by even though i dont post consistently 

see you sooner rather than later ;)