this may be my longest one yet

i have been a badddd blogger. a very very bad blogger. so sorry for the long delay. i have felt like tigger this week. i have been bouncing all over the place trying to get the last details in line for this semester. we will get to my school issues another day. lets try to go back to just after the c section.

so as i said, i was terrified of that pain i was describing in my collar bone last week. but like the doctor told me, it was fine and i made it through it. michael had already followed her to our room by this point and she had not been revealed to any of our families yet. this is where things start to get a little fuzzy for me.

**side note: this is where it came in handy that we wrote down everything! literally everything. from the time we got checked in, to when she pooped, to when they changed my dressings....like i said everything. it really helps me to relive the day. also, when the nurses come in everything seems jumbled up to you. it is probably in the middle of the night, youve probably had a million guests, little to no sleep and emotions are flying extreeeemmely high. it really helped when a my new nurse came in or when elizabeth ann's nurse came in (you will have a baby nurse and a momma nurse both with plenty of questions for you) for me to just be able to look at my page of notes for the day and say ok she ate this at this time, or i had perkaset last at whatever time. it makes you feel informed and it makes the nurses talk to you with more respect. NOT to hate on nurses. i hope to be a nurse one day. but sometimes all their rooms run together or they are tired too etc etc. they are just women like us! so it made the experience more enjoyable for everyone involved.

back to the fuzz. i remember being wheeled into our "post partum" room and feeling very sick and itchy! apparently those are side effects of the meds in a spinal. i nursed and then they continued to do checks on her and do her little foot prints etc. my eyelids were so heavy!! looking back at pics thats probably because they were full of fluid  

that was about as much as i could move when laying down on my back. i look squinty but i couldnt open my eyes any more than that. then the itchy and the queasiness realllllly kicked in. i threw up twice and scratched my chin and nose so much the skin was peeling off. pleasant and beautiful right? wrong! i put aquaphor on after they shot me up with itchy meds and zofran for the nausea. 

continuing on....

my parents came in and we videoed them seeing her for the first time, same with michaels parents. after an amount of time that is unknown to me without my notes, we moved to our room where we would stay for the next 4 days. more people came in than i can tell you. we were so lucky to have such supportive family members there first thing in the morning. about noon i was exhausted, itchy, wanted my baby, and i was surrounded by tons of people. a nurse came in asking me questions about the feeling in my legs and my body in general and how the baby was and what she had done lately, all while taking my vitals and while literally 15 people were in the room.  This was the time when michael and i had planned to use the phrase, " i need a break" to get one of us to clear the room. everyone was just talking and oohing over elizabeth ann and michael couldnt hear me. the nurse was talking to me and we were trying to write down what she was saying and keep our eyes on the baby and i looked over and said

"hey michael, i need a break.....michael i need a break....

I NEED A BREAK!!"

the whole room got quiet and my mom said, oookay everyone lets step out for a minute while the nurse checks her. im sure everyone thought i was a lunatic. i was so emotional and nervous and hungry and and and and!!!! the list goes on. it happens... i hope all the mothers in the room understood. hopefully anyone else who was there now understands and in the future i hope all of you understand for new mothers!

check out this picture and tell me if you notice how crazy i felt

yeah... even when i talk to michael. neither of us remember me being so drugged up. to me its fuzzy because it went so fast. michael said i just acted tired. but i wasnt i just couldnt keep my eyes open! for those of you who know my mother, you will really appreciate this next part. if ever it got down to just a two or three people i would try to rest and she would lean over to whoever was by her and whisper

"look shes falling asleep and doesnt even realize it"

and every time id say,  "mom. seriously i can hear you."
never stopped her from thinking it was unintentional (except for the early hours, it was still very early in this picture.) she was puffy. i was puffy. but we made it. later that day i got up and walked around cleaned the room etc. we didnt really want to send her to the nursery. but by the time everyone left, i fed elizabeth ann she went back to sleep and michael and i did our "talks" with the camcorder it was after midnight. Neither of us were quite ready to be that asleep with her. i dont know why. so at quarter to 1 we reluctantly sent her to the nursery. So reluctantly that the first night was the only night we sent her. We wanted her with us. always. she was such a joy to watch and she snuggled right from day one. 

So day two, the 25, they brought her back to me about 6 am updated me on her feeding and her jaundice and hearing tests etc. then we started our day again. i had my iv removed late the day before so i was dying for a shower but scared to death!! after breakfast i finally went to the bathroom, another deadly fear. and showered by myself. well, as alone as i could.

**side note: something no one warned me of. everyone tells you when you go to the bathroom its going to be difficult to go, they have cut all your abdominal muscles in half. its not going to be pretty just be patient dont strain your stomach. TMI i know, and honestly that part wasnt that bad. but here is what they DONT tell you. its going to hurt the first time you teetee!!!!!!!!!! oh my word i almost screamed. i was not expecting any pain so maybe thats why i think it hurt so bad but man, seriously. i relaxed to try to potty and i had to stop. it took me 10 minutes to teetee because i had to take breaks. apparently relaxing the muscle used to potty, contracts another muscle or maybe it was my bladder contracting i dont know and i dont care just prepare yourself because it hurts.

and moving on....until the end of the second day, i felt great! i was walking around, tidying up my room curled my hair. i wasnt taking any pain meds. i was rockin it. luckily, my friend also a nurse came by to see me and the baby late on the second day. i was walking across the room when suddenly an intense stabbing/stretching pain took over my stomach and down my right thigh. i stopped midstep and tears came streaming down. i was frozen in the middle of the room. Michael had went to get food downstairs and left us to gab. when he came back, (shortly after thank goodness) they had to get on either side of me and to lift me evenly to help me back to the bed. the pain got worse from there on. i could not bend over. i could not squat. i could not pull with my arms because i would accidentally flex my stomach. i never realized how many times a day i flexed some part of my stomach to do things that do not involve my stomach at all. so this should give you an idea of how much of getting dressed, undressed, getting off the potty, stepping up steps, getting in and out of the bed that i was truly doing alone...

this is where the beautiful part of how your marriage changes when you have a child comes in. 

Michael was the most caring, sensitive, loving man i have ever met during this time. i cherish those days so much. our love grew TREMENDOUSLY. you see the man you love in a whole new light. as i mentioned, im painfully modest. obviously he has seen me before but i was hormonal and my body was all weird and its awkward and i was in pain, girls you know what im getting at (ill spare you the graphics) but watching him bend over backwards to help me maintain my self respect? maybe thats the wrong word. dignity? composure? all of the above? anyway. watching him graciously help me maintain all of those things without remembering it was unbelievably reassuring to me. it was always like it never happened. on the second day i think it took 15 minutes for me to step out up over the lip on the shower to get out. and he just stood there held my towel (because i was holding the bars) and looked in my eyes and encouraged me. i never felt like i was being watched or rushed. he coached and was totally zoned in to my face. not because he was afraid or grossed out, but because he knew how hard those moments were for me and he would do anything to ease my pain even if it was mental pain.
       that is love. 
it would have been so easy and much quicker to just do it however he wanted and disregarding my privacy or whatever i thought i had left. but he didnt. i could not have made it without michael. i have never felt so respected in my entire life. and that is saying a lot considering the days immediately following giving birth are usually the ones where our personal space and privacy is most invaded than it ever will be. and no it wouldnt have helped me to have my mom or a girlfriend helping me. that may have even been worse. please dont try to understand youll go crazy. i sometimes wonder as well how a girl as modest as i somehow got married in january and had a baby in april but it happens to the best of us. back to the real deal, it needed to be michael helping me. this was us. our family, our daughter, my body. we needed to lean on each other. i needed to let him help me and trust in him completely to take care of me and make sure my drs and nurses were taking care of me as well. (if no one has told you this, i will. always in any scenerio check and double check behind the doctors and make sure you understand and ask plenty of questions and get the same answer more than once from that doctor. they are human too. we all need someone checking up on the things we do.) 

ok seriously staying on topic this time...just so much i want to tell you!

like i said, i needed to and had to lean on him to handle things almost 100% and he needed me to let him do those things. it sounds silly but one day when you have a child you will remember this. just make a mental note of this. youll thank me later.

he is an incredible man and so genuinely loving and compassionate. i feel like he needs his own post for the backbends he did for me and me alone those four days.

i saw him in a completely different light. something about us changed. not as parents. as husband and wife. i am forever grateful and i will never forget those days. please enjoy this time with your spouse. you will have the rest of your days to love and enjoy and cherish your new baby. trust me they will take over your life before you know it. but those few days in the hospital are your only chance to truly have time to praise one another for the unbelievably amazing life you two just created. after those days, you are all about sleep deprivation, diapers, and trying to find time to get a bath (for a while). parenthood is great but please heed my advice,

**focus on growing with your spouse during those first life changing days.

all of those words and i still do not feel like i conveyed truly how amazingly blessed, loved, respected, cherished, admired, special, and beautiful i felt when i talked to michael. 

to be describe it with a little less mushiness, i felt fat and flabby most of the time but michael would look over and say something completely random and/or something that sounds silly like, "do you want me to help you adjust your covers?" or "we have a thug baby in this hat you bought her" and that was all i needed to forget i had so much fluid on me that my lips were about to pop and i was not pregnant and still weighed more than 130 pounds.

here are some shots of michael that show a tiny bit of the love that he had to give over those four days. i tried to stay away from the camera but he was very loving to our new daughter too.

ok ill stop making myself and maybe you cry.


all that pain that i had and continued to have for several weeks aside, we really did have a perfect experience at the Baptist. I HIGHLY recommend it to any woman who plans on having a child. we had one nurse who stayed with us the last 3 days, Karla. she was the best she was probably late fifties. petite salt and pepper hair. very simple. no make up that was visible. and she buzzed when she walked. she was so sweet and caring. she made me so comfortable. 

im sorry for the delay in post i hope you made it through all of that. thank you for sharing my journey with me! be back tomorrow for more! :)